For Sale: Real Housewife Paraphernalia
Apart from my love for my family and my love for food, my love for anything Real Housewives comes in at an alarming third place. Meaning third, out of all my joys in life. A distant third from family, but not too far behind food and not too far ahead of bicycling (I feel like I can’t call it “cycling” because I ride a beach cruiser and have no aspirations beyond that, but I ride every chance I get.)
So I’ve been watching housewives loyally since 2008—I started right after Henry was born. Back then I think it was just Orange County? So almost 10 years later, I still watch. I still watch Orange County, and I watch NYC and Bev Hills faithfully. I’ve seen the other installments, but only off and on. One of the hallmarks of the series is how housewives are expected to release products under their new “brand” as a housewife. As much as I love housewives, I’m not really a consumer of any of these extra products, but some have been really successful. I’d say products run the gamut from Bethenny Frankel’s Skinnygirl, which is super successful (and she probably doesn’t even need the show anymore) to Lynne Curtin’s brand of jewelry “Cuff Love,” which specializes in (don’t think too hard) cuff bracelets.
So I’m offering up this list without in no particular order. The qualifications are 1) it must be still available for purchase, 2) it must be from a “Real Housewife”, and 3) it must make me laugh and cringe at the same time.
- Adrienne Maloof: 24×36 Banner Poster RARE. This is the link that inspired this whole post, so many thanks go to Adrienne. Personally, I never understood all the hate Adrienne received in S3, and I still don’t mind her. That said, I just can’t imagine who would want an Adrienne Maloof poster (RARE, mind you) hanging in their house. But you know what? If you are that person, I don’t judge you. (btw how awkward is Adrienne’s “model pose?”)
2. Jill Zarin: Skweez Couture. Okay, first of all, I love a fired housewife. For some reason, the fact that her products are still for sale is even more amusing. Second, it’s Jill Zarin. Third, everything on her sight is “coming soon.” So whatever you do, DO NOT EXHALE! It’s so weird the website is still active, but the photos are old, and nothing is available. If you’re really jonesing for some Skweez, you can still buy it on Amazon. Or you can get on the mailing list for the Fall 2012 collection, coming soon to a store near you!
3. RHOBH: Beverly Hills Housewife Pre-Schooler Backpack. For shame, whoever bought this backpack for their preschooler, for shame. I know I said I wouldn’t judge, but this has to be the most #awkward item I came across. Anyone who knows me knows I love some trashy housewives, but that is a part of my life that my kids are not included in.
4. Melissa Gorga: Over 1200 DIFFERENT Glossy Posters Available. To me, New Jersey is a tertiary RH show. I enjoy it from time to time, but it’s not something I’m glued to during the on-season. That said, if you’re a die hard fan in the market for glossy Melissa Gorga posters, look no further. If you don’t like the one pictured, don’t fret because there are over 1200 different posters for you to choose from (seriously, I scrolled for almost a week).
5. Gretchen Rossi: Trading Cards. If your 10-year-old loves the Real Housewives, you can end your search for the perfect birthday gift! What kid doesn’t want to collect and trade cards with some of reality TV’s legends? With varieties of cards ranging from Gretchen Rossi to the Great Kimbino herself (Kim Richards), you’re sure to please even the most discerning housewife fan this holiday season.
6. Lisa Vanderpump: Anastasia Round Bowl (24-pack for $922.77). Why buy one Anastasia Round Bowl when you could buy 24? Don’t look at it as a box of bowls; look at it as an investment in your future, in your children’s future. As I ogle these, I’m just trying to figure out how many bowls I should display on a per-room basis.
7. Lynne Curtin: Cuff Love. I told you I wasn’t playing favorites. Lynne’s line of shitty cuffs is my most favorite housewife venture of all-time. The name (a pun so bad, it’s good). The price ($200?!?!). The way they look (ugly). And most importantly, the fact that Lynne is apparently still making these things. It almost makes me want to buy one. ALMOST. (PS- You can join the “Cuff of the Month Club!!!” lolol).
8. Alexis Bellino: Trio iPhone Case for iPhone 4/4s. It’s still available! It was really hard for me to choose which Alexis item to feature because she’s one of my top 5 favorite housewives ever. It was between this phone case and this onesie (I mean if there’s one thing we should pass down to our children, it’s Alexis Couture, right?).
9. Sonja Morgan: Sonja Morgan New York. I really didn’t want to make fun of Sonja Morgan, Sonja with a Sexy J. But I have to. Her SMNY has had the same 5 items on it for the last 20 months, which is longer than Ben has been in this world. I am a perpetual optimist when it comes to Sexy J. But in my own life, I’m a realist, so maybe that’s why when Sonja displays pictures of her admittedly lovely dress, I think “Nigerian football team, toaster oven, Sonja in the City.” Or is it “Smokey Eye, Updo, Gstaad?” Who can keep up?
10. Vicki Gunvalson: Hoodies, Insurance, and Smells. Yuck. Never has a housewife discredited herself in such a personal and professional way as Vicki Gunvalson did with her cancer scam. But whether you’re in market for health insurance, a snuggly Whoop It Up hoodie, or some V by Vicki parfum, look no further than the OG of the O….(k bye guys!)